Have you heard the words:

“It’s over. I’m done. There’s no chance. I am no longer in love with you.”

You made a huge mistake when you heard those words. The error you made is that you believed what she was saying. Don’t get me wrong; almost every single husband makes the same mistake. I get it. You felt devastated when you heard those heartbreaking words. Although it rattled you, luckily, there are three mental habits that you can do to get your wife to regret ever saying them and want you back. You must understand these three things to retain her. These mental habits are inner shifts you make within yourself to get a completely different external result.

You would think some giant betrayal causes wives to leave, move out, see another man, or ask for a divorce. The truth is, most times, it isn’t that at all. Instead, it’s death by a thousand cuts. I call it the emotional tipping scale.

Emotional Tipping Scale

 Imagine that there are all the positive emotions on one side of a scale. At the beginning of the relationship, you guys had a lot in this emotional bank. As time continued, every time you were complacent, you didn’t choose her, you didn’t lead, you became emotionally reactive, or you shut down your emotions. Each of these disconnections was another item on the negative side of the scale. This happened until one single event broke the camel’s back.

This emotional Tipping Point is scientifically proven. Studies show that successful and happy marriages that last a long time have four positive emotional experiences to every one negative experience. If there are too many negative experiences, you become the villain in her life instead of the hero. That being said, even too many positive interactions will make her lose respect and leave you.

Context Transference

Mastering context transference will skyrocket your results with your wife on autopilot. I hear so many men say this exact thing,

“I don’t get it. At work, with my employees and colleagues, I’m confident, unreactive, and listen to their emotions. If I could be that way with my wife, my marriage wouldn’t be falling apart.”

For this first tip, you don’t have to learn anything new. You possess all the skills already, and you just have to learn how to apply these skills to your wife.

For example, when I was in college, there would be girls I didn’t care much about. I wasn’t attracted to them, and I was carefree. I was funny, confident, and relaxed; everything I needed to do to get them to like me more. Then, I met this girl. As soon as I met her, I had a huge crush. I romanticized her, put her on a pedestal, and couldn’t think when I was around her. I was frozen stiff, didn’t say a word, didn’t make funny jokes, and didn’t do all the relaxed things I would typically do around women. Because of this, she didn’t see who I was and wasn’t attracted to me. One day, I asked her out and got rejected. I was curious why this happened to me, so I researched it. I found a technique from neuro-linguistic programming and did a visualization exercise where I could remove the anxiety and the fear, shed that layer of insecurity, and become my highest-value self. You need to find total confidence in who you are and then apply that same framework to the situations you’re struggling with while talking to your wife. Having that confidence in yourself is so powerful she’ll swoon over you.

Guided Forgiveness

Many guys think they’ve forgiven their wives, but they haven’t. Frequently, I see that guys have an underlying tone of hesitance that’s still harbored in the tone of their voice. The other day, I was running a group call on the Marriage Mastery Program and talking to the guys about an intense internal topic. What I found for this group was that when the guys were in a safe place talking with other men going through the same thing, they could clearly define what they hadn’t truly forgiven their wives for. They had a small subconscious thought that was taking a toll on their relationship with their wives. The first step is becoming aware of your doubts, but the second is understanding how to change them. It doesn’t matter what communication changes or external changes you make in your relationship. If that voice is still in the back of your head, it’ll find subtle ways to sabotage it all. Forgiveness is the only way to quiet that voice.

I want you to imagine strings on the back of your head pulling you to the past. Every time there is a new fight with her, those strings get pulled, and you’re guided back to the past. When you’re focusing on the past, using past emotions, actions, and thoughts, you will replicate the same scenarios every single time. If you find a way to cut off that string from the past, you can move forward toward the new future with your wife that you want. Forgiveness is your scissors. Your ability to use them is the context transference. The ability to find them is the third mental habit.

Eudemonia Exaltation

Eudemonia means “the condition of human flourishing.” The opposite of that is hedonism, which is immediate pleasure and wanting to avoid pain at all costs.

I want you to imagine that you lost your keys in the dark in your house. You have a date with your wife in 20 minutes, so you’re frantically looking for the keys. You’re scrambling around the dark house when you see a street lamp out the window. You realize there’s light under the streetlamp, so you go into the light and search there. Even though there’s light, why are you searching for the keys outside when you know you lost them inside your house?

This is exactly what most men do, and you probably do the same. How often do you look for answers to saving your marriage outside yourself? Whether it’s you blaming it on your wife’s bipolar tendencies, narcissism, abuse, trauma, her family, or her friends, you’re looking for outside issues to fix an internal problem. When you look for answers to improve your marriage outside of your power, you’re looking for your keys outside when you know you lost them inside. If you change the patterns within yourself, you’ll find the answers to saving your marriage.

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